Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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