I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Mom said you looked used
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
