it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Enjoy the penises
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
