Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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