Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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