do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Send help, water and tortillas.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
