Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
