The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
