3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
