Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
