I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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