your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
