Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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