Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
