I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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