Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
