i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
