You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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