he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
