her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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