woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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