I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
