After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
