you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
