wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
