My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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