it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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