My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
