Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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