I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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