At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
