That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
