I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
