there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
