It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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