i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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