Your face is a jimmy john
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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