The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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