I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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