I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
