Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Randomize
