matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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