chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
