How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
