If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You ruined the universe
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
