From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
