and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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