If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
