It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
