he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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