don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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