now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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