I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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